Everyday I don my snow boots, my neck gaiter, wool hat with the flaps, boiled wool mittens and puffy down jacket to walk into the Carson National Forest. It is .5 miles from the Shepherds cabin where I am living this winter.
At 8,500′, tucked among the mountains of Northern New Mexico, the snow flies regularly. Temperatures dip to single digits at night and peak at 28-30 degrees F during the day.
With a foot of snow encasing my car and covering the land in diamonds, it is easy to follow animal tracks that criss cross the pastures, and then enter the forest. I’ve been noticing coyote tracks outside my door. A small furry animal met the end of its life, a faint trail of tiny, weightless feet dead ending at the woodpile. In the forest I noticed tufts of dark fur on a barbed wire fence and tracks that looked like a bobcat.
Toby, self proclaimed animist, anarchist, with an Aussie accent, came to dig out my car the other day. He splits his time between his small hand built home down the dirt road, and the big city of Albuquerque where his two special needs daughters and wife live. We had a lively conversation. He loves the mountains of Northern New Mexico and has lived here for 28 years. I imagine it gets lonely, even for a grizzled, diehard landscaper. We spoke about the animal tracks and who really lives in those forests that I tread daily.
Yes, the big cats, bobcats, mountain lions, coyotes, and a population explosion of rodents—particularly voles this year. I felt the shadow of anxiety as I asked him whether there were cougars. Yep. “Don’t worry”, he laughed, “as long as I’ve been here there has never been any encounters with humans. They stay pretty hidden. Oh, they’ll see you, but you won’t see them!”
I laughed in relief. Still. They were there.
Today, on my journey, I noticed that my boot tracks from yesterday, into the forest, were intersected by wide padded paw prints, claws curling into the snow. I felt my breath catch. They followed along past the barbed wire fencing for the horses and cattle, finally peeling off deep into the woods. I called out, sang and shouted, mostly to keep from scaring myself silly. Here I was, alone, and the city of the forest was being revealed. The highways of tracks and crossings and dwellings was a maze of animal prints. What was usually invisible to humans, was written in bas relief on the pristine diamonds of the snow. It was both exhilarating and frightening to see so clearly. I am not the largest mammal in control here, I thought. As the sun quickly slipped down towards the western horizon, framed by pines, I gingerly stepped back down the sloping path, emerging out of the forest and down the dirt road towards home. I felt my heart rate slow and the sigh of my shallow breath begin to deepen again.
Monday, December 21 is a special conjunction of the planets, Jupiter and Saturn. Evidently this celestial event hasn’t happened for 800 years. It will shine as brightly as the star of Bethlehem, which came to rest over the biblical manger scene of Christ.
Tracks in the sky, tracks in the snow. After a such a horrible, terrible, no good year in 2020, I can only imagine that the heavenly bodies are revealing that we are not alone on this small earth. There are movements and galaxies, planets and portents that are beyond words. They are evolving, silent trackers of a universe much bigger than what we comprehend. We are accompanied as we head into 2021.
Meanwhile, I will continue to track my thoughts, the paw prints, and the seasons up here. It feels as though I am forging into virgin wilderness. Most days uncertain, curious, wondering, trying to find ways to stay balanced and warm.
May you also find peace, balance and warmth this season, tucked in wherever you are— tracks on your soul’s landscape calling you forward.
Anita Amstutz 
Thank you dear Anita for this gift of your heart.
Stay well, warm and safe!
💟phyllis
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So interesting to read your thoughts and sense the vastness and solitude of your hermitage. I could imagine being there and feeling some fear and definitely loneliness. I admire your commitment to experiencing this soul space. Will you stay through Christmas or go home and then return? Will be interesting to witness the “Bethlehem Star” there! I am praying for your heart to feel love and presence in your time alone.
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Beautiful, clear writing! Thank you!
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Beautiful! Lovely way to begin my day. I am off today, so I had the luxury of time to read. I know that forest from living a hair away from it at Lama, which shared a border. I’ve done what you describe on walks and it’s a slice of heaven. Keep singing, walking and loving.. you have this gift to savor. Say hello to the coyotes and bear for me.
Love Michele
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I can just see you walking along with me in the Forest at Lama! Yes, a magical place. Keep your body and soul alive and well also, as well as your beloveds! xoxo
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You remind me of my youth, trapping days in the cold early morning hours. Dad
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I’d love for you to tell me more about what you remember sometime, Dad!
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Beautiful Anita. What a way to celebrate new birth. Can’t wait to read the writing that is being birthed in you this season.
Sent from my iPhone
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So good to hear from you dear friend. Hope you and your beloveds are well and ready for a new year!
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Thank you for a great entry. I love the prose and the photos! If that is really a photo you took of the night sky, I am so jealous! Our cloudy skies will likely not allow us to see the great conjunction on December 21. Drink in your isolation in nature, a consolation in the Pandemic.
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Hi brother, nope, that is definitely not a photo I am capable of taking! I so wish you could see the conjunction. You’ll have to rely on photos from others. I am drinking in the peace, solitude and creative time. Still, always the edge of loneliness…
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Lovely to track with you today!
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Hello friend! bee well and much love for the holidays and beyond…
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Thanks, Anita, for sharing. I can identify through our own daily ritual of fire building in the wood stove, long walks and mountain views. May you continue to relish the silence, the solitude and the experience! Sarah
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Yes, these days are a gift in a way. We have time. A precious thing. Much love!
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Hi Anita! I enjoyed your description of the winter mtns. And the reality of the wild animals, especially the mtn. lions can surely increase one’s heart beat! As a youth in IN I trapped small animals, but never had to be alert to bears, etc.!
Susanne Shave forwarded your blog to me. Have a great and productive time in the wilds!
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Thank you Amzie! Yes, my dad said the same thing, he was well acquainted with trapping small animals. I’ve seen a pair of coyotes, but no big cats. Take good care and may you and Elena and your family ring in the new year with health and God’s peace!
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