Men and Boys are in Trouble

This isn’t what I expected to write when I sat down today. But here it is. A rant. This subject has been chewing on me for awhile now.

Honestly, I wish I didn’t have to write this blog. But I have been waiting for men to speak publicly about why men and boys are blowing things up, burning things down, killing people in our public sphere, on an unprecedented scale. It’s been going on for years. Please correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems to be on steroids right now.

I want to hear your hearts, men. I want to hear your grief. I’m not a social scientist or a researcher. I don’t spend my days peering into the male or female psyche as to what’s gone so virulently wrong. But I have spent 30 years of my life working with the human community as a worker bee. A one time congregational minister, social worker and now a counselor for those working on their stuff. The men I listen to are beautiful men. They are heartbroken, angry, aggrieved at what’s happening. They know suffering. They know their own hearts. They are working to become better men—sons, husbands, friends, lovers, siblings, fathers.

I wonder, How do men get so radicalized or their mental health so dis-eased that they think the only way to solve a problem is to turn the blame outward on “the other” and take a whole raft load of people down with them?

You might hear that it’s all because of a certain political stripe, or it’s the people against the gun lobby, or for the gun lobby, or the Maga-ites or the libtards. All the ways we divide ourselves in the public media sphere today. Frankly I’m so sick and tired of the public discourse that I don’t tune in to any mainstream media anymore. Only trusted sources. Perhaps that is the problem for the whole country. Or the world. We all have our “trusted sources”. For some, it’s Q-anon. For others Democracy Now. Where’s Walter Cronkite and honest, unvarnished, objective facts that all of us pulled up a chair to watch in the last century?

So, I’m going to take a poke at the beast that may be driving this epidemic of public violence and death, which seems to be carried out mostly by men. I don’t think it’s anything new. Men have been used as fodder for years in a violent domination and colonization system, an empire ideology. This country was founded on extermination of one group of people and enslaving another. Business as usual. Feminists have been calling it Patriarchy. The U.S. has been exporting our war machinery all over the world for at least a century. War is only sanctioned murder. If bombs, machine guns, and tanks for killing others is ok in war, how does the brain and body sort out that it’s not ok in civilian society, when one comes back home? “The body keeps score” as trauma specialist Bessel Van Der Kolk writes. War and Violence against others has reached a frenzied pitch in our society. It is harming men and women alike.

In 1962, the year of my birth, then President, John F. Kennedy spoke at the first anniversary of the Alliance for Progress. He said:

“Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution inevitable.”

I wonder if we have so misguided the warrior spirit of men, that a peaceful revolution or a just societal transformation is not possible without violence? I must say here, that the Anabaptist witness of my people, A Historic Peace Church, has raised good men—I can’t imagine the inner conflict between biology, societal male norms and religious teachings. I want to talk about this. Perhaps no one has been listening to men? Certainly women know what it’s like not to be listened to, cherished, seen, loved, and heard for centuries. But we have learned to take care of each other in this vacuum. Now, thankfully, women are creating circles. Women are empowering one another, finding ways to lead and speak from their authentic voice in these malignant times.

I am grateful for men in my life who don’t visualize, act on or promote violence to solve problems. Father, partner, brothers, friends. Further, they are loving, creative and wise contributors to the common good. Thank you. The sickness of men’s actions, and yes, the patriarchy and domination/colonization system that has compromised all of us, is a virus eating away and killing the earth, humans, creatures, and the truth. Please. Please. Please. Men, have these conversations with your sons, nephews, grandsons, fathers, uncles—all the men you know in your circles of influence. Women are talking about these things. Don’t be fooled. Many of us see and care deeply. We want to hear from you.

Recently a man died in the community where I grew up–a small rural Mennonite town where people are mostly entrepreneurs and own small businesses. The virus of Maga has infected this community, but they continue to do business with each other, worship side by side, send their children to the same schools. I haven’t heard of any violent shootouts in that place. Yet.

But, the man who died recently— a neighbor of our family for all of our growing up years and well into my parents retirement on the farm— had an obituary that showed forth a humble, ordinary life well lived. He and his wife are part of a family of sterling goodness. Generations of elders and wise people come from the family root system. They have been good neighbors, religious leaders, business owners, educators, musicians in the community. I would like to share part of it. It’s about manhood gone right. Not that K. and our family always agreed. Quite honestly, us kids were a little afraid of him as a child. He had big booming voice and seemed about 7 ft. tall. He was strict disciplinarian as a principal and teacher in the schools we attended, and in our neighborhood.

But, I digress. Here’s his obituary:

In 1963 K. began his teaching career at Wooster High School. Soon after, K. and his wife moved to Dodoma, Tanzania for three years, where he taught at a boys’ secondary school. Upon return to Ohio, he spent the remainder of his educational career with the Local Schools, teaching history… serving as principal at both the Elementary and Intermediate Schools, and coaching intermediate level football and basketball. K. also spent time working with the family feed mill business.

K.. enjoyed serving as church elder, Sunday school teacher, and participating in various church committees, in addition to singing in the church choir. Most recently he was a member of a local Mennonite congregation.

K.. was involved with the community both locally and globally. He and his wife served at Semilla Anabaptist Seminary in Guatemala City, Hopi Mission School in northern Arizona, Lezhe Academic Center in Albania, and the Washington D.C. International Guest House. They were host parents to several international students through The College of Wooster. They also operated a bed and breakfast, Troyer Haus, out of their home for more than a decade.

K.. had a lot of hobbies: photography, woodworking and refinishing, sports, birding, traveling, growing tomatoes, and attending the various events of his grandchildren. He also had a recreational aviation license.

These times are virulent, violent and painfully harsh. The twisted deceit and lies in our political and social media realms are distorting minds, hearts and bodies. But, in another time, K’s life was steeped in service, faithfulness, curiosity, culture and education. It was not based in ideology— though K. was an ideas person and extremely thoughtful. It was based in right and loving action in the world over a long life. He died at 87.

This obituary reminded me that most men are beautiful and ok. But the question I have is, “are men talking amongst themselves or offering guidance to their sons and menfolk in the public discourse ? Are they talking with their women about how this trouble affects them? Or are men remaining silent about this epidemic of violence?” Yesterday I had dinner with dear friends. I asked C. how his son is doing, the one who is silent and doesn’t talk about his emotions. The one my friend worries about and tries to ask him how he’s doing. I asked him how that’s going? ” C. said, “Of course he’s not talking! He’s a young man!” Something in me wanted to scream.

Along that same vein, a well-known writer in my husband’s family wrote an honest article, published in the magazine, Buzzfeed, years ago. It was about his struggle with “the voices”. Though a brilliant writer, he has struggled over a lifetime with anxiety, “bad” voices and a mental breakdown. Now his son has evidently inherited some of the same epigenetic features. My husband was deeply affected by this achingly, vulnerable revelation. Now, granted, this family writer is an in-law and an add-in–not the same DNA, but still, my husband noted that this kind of open emotional culture is not normal among his family of men. Perhaps it seems odd, lapsing into the uncomfortable “over-sharing” zone for most men.

My husband is going to a men’s retreat with Fr. Richard Rohr in the mountains this week. Thank god for places where men are allowed to talk about their feelings and the gut wrenching grief that they surely must feel. It is a healthy direction instead of getting translated into emotional frozenness, shutdown, withdrawal or violent outward rage— domestically or societally. This retreat is focused on The Tears of Things, Rohr’s new book. Fr. Rohr is one of the few religious leaders who has tackled this problem of men’s rage and grief head on. But his generation is waning.

How do we break open this culture of emotional silence among men? It is not an easy time to be a man, but even moreso a young man. The messages out there in the social media are unbelievably and wickedly distorted and callow. I know many men are finding solace and companionship with one another. But how is it translated into our public discourse?

How do men offer each other a true spiritual compass? More humble discourse with each other and in the public eye? More love and open listening amongst themselves? More kindness? More compassionate action—especially with those who seem across the moral divide? How can I as a woman be there for my menfolk?

I vote for all of it.